This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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