My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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