I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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