Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
