I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
