apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
