Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
