How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst