Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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