just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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