I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
