just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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