So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
now i know why i became what i already was.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My penis needs a shock collar
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
