According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
