If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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