you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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