I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
