Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
