We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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