You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
