I cannot find my penis.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
