She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize