I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
