I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
