You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
false alarm. still invincible.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
