so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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