Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
