Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
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