I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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