I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
