we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I have tasted many bathrooms
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
