if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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