Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
