im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
