i don't like sucking hair
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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