Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
