Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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