honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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