he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
