I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My butt remains clenched, sir.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
