Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
