omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
