cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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