if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He's a Shit stain on my heart
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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