apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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