Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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