when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
