I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
