She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I will pee on everything he values.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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