just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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