I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
