haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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