On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
