I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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