My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
