Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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